POST GRADUATION: ANXIETY AND STRESS

 Hi, it's quite dark title. Honestly post graduation is a shitty experience. They're full with uncertainties, worries, anxieties and lot of dark thoughts.

Earlier July, I went to Wadi Rum desert for the last time before returning to Malaysia and a week later had my graduation ceremony which was held at Malaysian Embassy in Amman in full Covid-19's SOP. Things were good at the beginning. On 14th July I returned to Malaysia by a chartered flight, get sample tested, quarantined for 2 weeks and free from Covid-19

From this part on, it's getting shittier. I don't know maybe I live alone and away from family for a long time that I've developed my own thought and way of life.

Flashback to a year ago, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma cancer. I don't know maybe the drugs affect him very much that he started to get angry easily. He becomes hot tempered person for the tiniest trivial thing that sometimes you can't even comprehend what's going on. The add-on package is with me who lived faraway for a long time that I started to don't know what's dos and don't inside this household. Then they started to blame more to shouting on me for the unknown reason. Let me give you some situations. Yesterday, I was fetching my mum from her work and I said to her that I didn't want to eat. Before that I went to a mall to buy my dad's belonging. I arrived home first then later after an hour my dad arrived home. Then, he started to yell at mum for not buying anything to eat for dinner. Then, my mum blamed me because I was the one who's driving her back home. Before that I already asked my mum what to buy then she said nothing. Sigh.

Situation 2: This happened around evening when I was sweeping up the lawn. I tried to move the car a little bit so that it would become easier for me to sweep. Then, my dad suddenly yelling at me to stop. I was like, what??? Then I explained myself why did I do that then he said I menjawab. Astghfirullahalazim. I just wanted to explain then he threw the broom at me then shouted at me until I peed in my pant. He asked me to go inside the house then when I went into the house I just wanted to go to toilet (as you know I peed a little) then he asked me where did I wanted to go. Then he yelled at me for saying I always menjawab at him since I return from overseas. 

 Sigh. I don't know what else should I do. I just being myself, I never intend to menjawab what more hurting his feelings. I'm sorry if I cant keep up with your standard, I cant keep up with your beloved second daughter nor your trusted worker. I'm the worst human being in your eyes after all.

Things are getting heated when now I'm home at the same time having online classes and lots of assignments piling up waiting to be submitted. I cant complain if I feel tired nor not in a good health, because for him, his cancerous is more painful than what I feel. Yes I admit that, what I'm trying to justify here is please respect me when I said I'm not well today or I'm so tired from doing a lot of online classes and works. Yes I know you physically working hard for us and that tiresome but is it too much if I asked I wanted to be alone and doing nothing just for a day? I guess it's too much in this household. 

They just never know me deep inside. They never know of how do I study nor how do I do my work. I don't know maybe I'm the burden to them and act to defend myself is considered menjawab. Why don't you know how explain works? They always like to jump straight into conclusion and assume things from there. If I listed things that they're not respected me so far it would be quite lengthy. You guys never asked me of how am I doing nor my feelings. You guys never know what's excites me nor what's upsets me. You guys never being there when I received my UPSR, PMR, SPM, Degree results. In fact you never asked in these 4 years how's my degree result. You guys never congratulate me on my achievements. I know I may not be the brightest stars up there but at least I tried. I came up with pretty decent achievement too. You guys never let me choose my own path like choosing my secondary school, filling UPU choices nor this scholarship to Jordan to. Every single major things I do are for you guys. I guess you never feel grateful of how I don't associate myself with the bad acts like taking drugs, getting drunk nor having out of wedlock baby. I don't often go out, when I do I only hangout with girls. I dress decently with syariah compliant. I wear long hijab, non-fit trousers, I never tucked in my shirt. I spent my own money wisely or I never get myself in debt that troubling you. Have you ever realised that? Being in conservative family is so hard. You can't outcome toxic masculinity and if you do you'll be considered as menjawab and ungrateful. I know people said that restu ibu bapa is important but what about when you are hurt by your parents of how did they acted or spoke? Is there anyway to act without being assume as menjawab? I never feel I've ever wanted in this family. They can live well without me but me; I don't have anywhere to go. I stuck and suffocated here alone. These stressful environment. It has scare me really much to get married but at the same time being stuck here is doing no good too.

i glad for still having this blog as my safe ground to pure out all of my thooughts.